Warmth Fades into Cold
by DisguisedasInnocent
Summary: Gail thought growing up in the Peck household had number her to any pain, but other the last few weeks - months - she's grown to understand that she's not numb. She's been hanging on by a thread and it takes a few simple words to break that thread and send her spiralling into the unknown.
1. Chapter 1

_This is an angst filled response to the latest episode to air. It's an extreme version of where I see Gail Peck's character heading and one I hope doesn't happen. Suicide warnings for below._

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Gail stared idly into the bottom of the bottle of whiskey, swirling the liquid around inside the glass container, watching as the light filtered through the alcohol. The blonde haired woman lifted the bottle to her lips, covered the opening with her mouth and swallowed the burning liquid in a series of long gulps. It raced down her throat to settle in the pit of her gut, burning down through her digestive tract, the pain blurring around the edges as the fire singed away her nerve endings.

The woman's glassy eyes flickered away from the bottle to the wall of her bedroom, chuckling at the sight of the photographs stamped up against her wall, pushed into the surface of the plasterboard with tacks and pins. "Some life," She muttered darkly, swallowing another large gulp of whiskey to burn away the pain in her chest. "They won't miss me."

Gail patted the bed at her side, picking up a bottle of prescription painkillers, smiling at the way that the small white pills knocked together in the bottle. "Hey little guys," The woman said with an airy laugh. "You're going to make everything go away. There'll be no more Gail Peck after this, perhaps that's a good thing? I mean, no one's ever really liked Gail Peck. Not even Gail Peck."

The blonde haired woman snorted at her words, knocking back another large mouthful of whiskey before propping the bottle up between her thighs as she sat cross-legged on her bed. The Police Officer tore the lid of the bottle of pills, listening to the way that they clanked together as she tipped them onto her hand. "One for me," She sang quietly, placing one pill in the middle of her left palm. She shifted another two pills into the palm of her hand, continuing to hum quietly until five gleaming white pills sat in her hand.

"This should be enough to start." She mumbled, cocking her head to the side as she lifted her hand to her face, opening her mouth before throwing the pills back into the open cavern. She swallowed the pills with a mouthful of whiskey to wash them done, barely feeling the ache of the burn in her throat. "There'll be no more Gail Peck in the morning." The woman muttered gleefully. "No more Gail Peck, perhaps it's for the best."

Gail swallowed another three mouthfuls of pills, crunching them between her teeth before washing them down with the whiskey, feeling the weight of the alcohol in her stomach. "No more snarky grump to bring them down, maybe Dov will be happy now?" She murmured thoughtfully, swallowing another long gulp of whiskey. "No more pessimistic outsider."

The woman swallowed another pill, laughing as tears rose up her tear ducts and threatened to burst over her cheeks. "I'll still be cold though, as cold as ice, frozen – dead." Gail smiled at those words, chasing the pill down with another mouthful of whiskey, swirling the remains in the bottom of the bottle.

Gail reached sideways for her phone, grabbing the small device off the edge of the bedside table, curling onto her side in the middle of the bed as she unlocked the screen. Her fingers led her through the menus towards Holly's name, tapping against the message icon before typing out a series of words, her eyebrows furrowed as she concentrated on the forms of the letters blurring across the screen. "I'm sorry." She typed. Two simple words to express her regret – perhaps Holly would understand what they meant and perhaps she would ignore the message, but Gail felt lighter for trying.

Impulsively Gail clicked the call icon next to Holly's name after pressing send on the text, desperate to hear the soft soothing sounds of Holly's voice sliding into her ear, even if it came from the woman's voicemail message.

"Hello?" A tentative voice came through the speakers of Gail's phone, prompting the woman's eyebrows to furrow in confusion. "Gail?"

"Holly." Gail breathed out softly, her lips curling upwards at the corners despite the heavy ache in the pit of her stomach. "Maybe this is better, maybe this is how I can apologise."

"What are you talking about Gail?" Holly asked, her voice taking on a fine edge of anger and resignation. "Are you drunk?"

"Drunk?" Gail murmured, tasting the word on the end of her tongue. "Yes, probably, but it's better this way. Much better."

"How is being drunk better?" The dark haired woman asked with a huff. Gail pictured her running her long fingers through her fine locks of hair, brushing them away from her face as she pinched her eyes closed.

"I'm more honest drunk." Gail answered. "I can say sorry for being that cold bitch that doesn't let anyone else inside. I can say that I regret saying those things to you, because I didn't mean them, I just hurt. I can say that I hope you're happy with whoever you're with now, because you deserve the best of everything and I know that I wasn't that. I'm not good Holly I'm bad. I'm the worst thing ever. I'm rotten inside, but this is all right, because you're so good. You don't deserve me bringing you down, so this is better, much better. You'll be brilliant without me. I know you will."

"What are you talking about Gail?" Holly answered, her voice tinged with a slightly fearful tone. "You're scaring me."

"I never meant to do that." Gail frowned, biting down on her bottom lip as she struggled to think, the fog descending on her brain. "You're good Holly, so good, that I thought maybe I could be good with you. But I messed it up, I know I did, I'm like human poison, I turn everything I touch bad. This is better. It will be better."

"Gail, honey, please you're scaring me." Holly whispered softly, biting down on the worry in her voice. "Where are you? I'll come over, we can talk."

"No, you don't want to come over. It'll be better this way." The blonde haired woman muttered. "I'm just going to be cold now Holly, like I've always been, and that's all right. You'll be happy with your new whatever, Dov will be happy, Chris will be happy, fuck, even Chloe will be happier and you know she's always happy. Everything will be better. It'll be better."

Holly swallowed hard, her heart thundering in her chest as she struggled to listen to Gail's words, sitting heavily on her couch in the middle of her apartment staring at the small photograph of Gail resting on her mantelpiece. "Gail, please, can you please just talk to me. Tell me you're all right."

"I'm cold Holly." Gail answered truthfully, her limbs growing numb as she closed her eyes to enjoy the sensation of Holly's words flowing through her ears. "Chris told me that last week. He told me that I'm cold and I don't let things get to me, he doesn't understand, I let things get to me all the time. I don't know how to block out the feelings so I just push them away I did that to you. I pushed you away because I didn't understand. It's better this way. I won't hurt anyone else."

"Gail you're hurting me right now." Holly confessed softly, biting down on her bottom lip to suppress the urge to whimper. "Please, tell me where you are, I'll sit with you whatever you need."

Gail blinked softly, licking her dry lips as shudders ran through her body, her stomach clenching hard as her muscles spasmed underneath her skin. "I'll be in your office tomorrow." She murmured.

"What?" Holly felt a cold shiver run down her spine.

"I'll be cold." Gail mumbled, a dry laugh rising up her throat. "Don't let them make you take me. You shouldn't. I'll just poison you again."

"Gail, stop talking and let me know where you are?" Holly pleaded desperately.

"I'm cold." The blonde haired woman answered softly. "I'll be cold tomorrow. I don't want you to touch me tomorrow Holly. I'll be cold. You deserve warmth. You deserve all the warmth."

Holly's heart stuttered in her chest, bursting out of her body through her sternum to leap into her chest as a sob rose up her throat. "Gail, please, don't… whatever you've done we can fix this. We can."

"It's better this way." Gail murmured. "It'll be better for everyone. I don't ever do anything right, you'll be happy without me, it'll be better. Everyone will be warmer. I'll be out of your life and everything will be better. Who needs Gail Peck? No one's ever liked Gail Peck anyway. My fiancé stood me up on the night before our wedding to go to Afghanistan without a reason, Chris left me because Dov liked me, Dov didn't want me in the end, and he was just high. Lisa was right; I'm not good enough for you. You deserve better."

"You don't get to make that decision for me Gail." Holly whimpered softly, swallowing passed the lump in her throat. "Please Gail, just tell me where you are, I can make it better. I promise."

"No," Gail mumbled shaking her head wearily. "This is better. Everything will be better. You'll be happy without me, I just bring people down, I don't know what to do with happiness, I poison it Holly. Everyone can be happy without me. I'll still be cold but I won't affect anyone else."

"It'll affect me." Holly confessed desperately. "It'll hurt me. Gail, you aren't cold, you are so warm and good. You're not those things."

"But I am." Gail disagreed. "Everyone tells me that I'm cold. They say that I'm bad. This is better. This will be better. You deserve better. I tried Holly; I tried to follow my Mom's rules. She told me to always remember who I am, I'm Gail Peck but Gail Peck doesn't want to be Gail Peck any more. She told me to work harder than everyone did, and I have, I've worked so hard and it just doesn't matter. I'm always on the outside. I'm always cold."

"Oh Honey, you're not I promise you for not." Holly whispered, digging her fingernails into the skin of her thigh as she struggled to keep a grasp on her emotions, squeezing the tears back into her eyes.

"I broke the last rule Holly." Gail muttered softly, her voice cracking as she spoke, the heaviness spreading throughout her limbs. "I screwed up."

Gail's mind floated away, her muscles going into spasm as she shuddered on the bed. The phone fell from her ear to clatter against the floor, Holly's worried desperate tone screaming Gail's name through the receiver, but she couldn't hear it anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Holly didn't remember the frantic rush to get from her living room to the car sitting in the driveway. Nor did she remember throwing the car into gear and speeding out into the early morning Toronto traffic, the sky dark and the stars glittering through the clouds. She didn't remember the crunch of the handbrake as she pulled into a parking bay in front of Gail's apartment building barely remembering to pull the key out of the ignition as she abandoned the vehicle and stumbled up the steps to the apartment.

The dark haired woman remembered the way that Dov's blue eyes widened at the sight of her on the doorstep when he finally opened the door. She remembered the way that his mouth dropped open as she shoved through the gap between him and the door, clattering through the living room to pound her fist against Gail's door.

"What are you doing?" Dov asked sharply, gripping Holly's shoulder tightly, tugging her backwards away from his best friend's door.

"I need to get in there." Holly answered, her tone desperate and frantic, her teeth digging into her bottom lip in an attempt to hold the fear in her chest. "Please, I need to see her."

"I know what happened." Dov said by way of an answer, narrowing his eyes as he nodded towards the door. "You don't have any right to see her any more. I know what your friends said, and what you told her today. You're seeing someone else right, then why do you need to see her now."

Holly swallowed hard, feeling her heart squeeze in her chest as if Dov had reached inside her chest and clenched his fingers around the small organ. "I…" She struggled to speak passed the lump in her throat. "I didn't mean to."

Dov shook his head, stepping around the frozen woman to rattle his knuckles across Gail's door. "Honey," He murmured into the wood. "Are you all right?"

The pair waited for a reply, listening for a sign of movement from Gail's bedroom – Dov's hand cradled around the door handle as Holly fidgeted from side to side nervously. Dov's fingers rapped against the wood, tapping harder in an attempt for force a reaction from the woman. "Are you sure she's here?"

"She called me." Holly answered, shaking her head as she ran her fingers through her hair. "She didn't say where she was but I guessed here."

Dov frowned, tightening his fingers around the door handle, twisting it sharply butting against the lock. "Stand back." He murmured, glancing backwards at Holly as he stepped away from the door, squaring his body before throwing his leg forward to slam his foot into the door beside the lock. The thick wood groaned loudly but didn't splinter. Dov smashed his foot against the door again, thrusting hard in order to cause the wood to give way underneath his assault, the door flying open and smacking against the wall.

Holly stepped through the newly opened doorway into the open space, her eyes peering through the darkness, landing on a head of pale platinum blonde hair. The woman frowned at the slack expression marring Gail's face, her mouth hanging open and eyelids closed without any sign of movement underneath. "Gail?" Holly asked softly, stepping forward into the room, her foot knocking against a glass bottle on the floor.

The dark haired woman approached the bed, kneeling down at Gail's side, her fingers reaching for the woman's shoulders. "Come on Gail, wake up." She murmured hopefully, shaking the woman's shoulders, desperately hoping to cause her eyes to flicker open to reveal burning blue eyes. "Wake up Gail."

Holly bent her head, holding her ear over Gail's lips, praying for the cool rush of air from her mouth but feeling nothing. Her hand moved to press against Gail's chest, desperate to feel the dull throb of the woman's heart in the palm of her head or through the tips of her fingers pressed into the side of the throat – she found nothing.

"Call an ambulance." Holly whispered, breathing in deeply, pulling Gail off the bed and onto the floor, tipping her head backwards before pinching her nose. "Do it now."

"I'm on it." Dov answered quickly, his eyes wide as he watched the Doctor bend over his best friend, cradling her jaw in her hands as she pressed their lips together and blew a long breath down the woman's throat. Holly's hands pushed together on Gail's chest, depressing her ribcage in the desperate hope to force Gail's heart to beat. Sweat beaded at Holly's temples as she pushed against Gail's chest, massaging the woman's heart in-between long puffs of air.

"You don't get to do this Gail." Holly huffed angrily, biting down on her bottom lip as she worked on the woman. "You don't get to die."

"They're on their way, two minutes out." Dov murmured moving to kneel at Holly's side, pushing her hands away from Gail's chest to take over the depressions as Holly shifted to cradle Gail's head, stroking her fingers across the woman's face.

"Please Gail." Holly whispered desperately, tears pushing against her eyelids. "You've got to wake up for me Baby; I'm not ready to let you go. Please, I need you to be all right Gail. I need you to tell me I'm a nerd and make me laugh over something stupid because I'm too stressed to smile. Please. I need you."

Two minutes later the Paramedics sped into the apartment, pushing Dov and Holly away from Gail's body to take over her treatment. The two men loaded Gail onto a stretched quickly, pushed a tube down her throat in order to ventilate her lungs effectively before carrying Gail to the ambulance. Dov pushed Holly into the back of the vehicle, closing the doors before striding to his car.

Holly pushed her back against the side of the ambulance, watching with a trained eye as the paramedic ripped Gail's shirt open, cut through her bra and placed two conductive pads against her skin. The defibrillator buzzing in the background as the second man kept a steady pulse of air streaming down Gail's throat.

"Clear!" The paramedic yelled, Holly's heart lurching in her chest, her eyes and ears straining to detect a change in Gail's body.

Gail's body lurched into the air but the flat line beep of the cardiac monitor refused to change pace. The paramedic frowned, flicking a switch on the defibrillator charging the device a second time, the other man continuing chest compressions.

"Clear!" He called loudly, pressing the pads over Gail's chest, squeezing the controls to release a shock of electricity through her nerve endings in an attempt to force her heart to start beating.

The man continued the same pattern two more times, Holly's heart sinking inside her chest each time, the monitor refusing to change.

"Time of death," The paramedic murmured softly closing his eyes at the desperate sob that left Holly's mouth. "Two twenty three am."

Holly stood silently, tears racing down her cheeks as she stared at the blonde haired woman laid out on the autopsy table.

Her skin glistened in the pale light of the room – blanched white with a blue tinge around the woman's lips. Her hair shone brightly in the dullness of the room, blonde strands glittering in the artificial light, framing the woman's face. Her chest refused to rise and fall and her heart failed to beat.

Holly clenched her jaw, suppressing the urge to whimper aloud in pain as her heart shuddered inside her chest in sympathy for Gail's un-beating heart. Her fingers reached out to smooth across Gail's forehead, tucking fine strands of blonde hair behind the woman's ear and smoothing them out of her face as she bent over the table to press a tender kiss to her cold lips. Holly cupped Gail's cheeks, sliding the pads of her thumbs over the woman's skin, resting her forehead lightly on the woman's forehead, beating in the subtle scent that clung to her skin.

"You weren't cold." She whispered her voice breaking as she spoke. "And you didn't screw up Gail. You didn't. I did."


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: This is the final part of this story, and as one reviewer guessed, the alternative ending. I hope you enjoy!_

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Holly barely remembered leaving her apartment, running to her car and speeding down the roads of Toronto towards the small apartment tucked away in the middle of a mess of buildings where Gail Peck resided. She barely remembered the frantic rush up the stairs into the woman's house, smashing her hand against the door until Dov pulled the thick wooden barrier open with a quizzical expression marring his face. Holly didn't remember shoving the man to the side, barrelling through his apartment, knocking her knees against the end of the couch before crashing into Gail's closed bedroom door.

She didn't remember the sound of Dov's confused questions as she rattled the door handle, cursing loudly when it refused to twist underneath her hand. She did however remember glancing backwards apologetically onto Dov's soft blue eyes before shifting to shove her shoulder against the door. The dark haired woman remembered the searing pain through her bicep and right scapula as she smashed her shoulder into the door repeatedly, feeling the wood begin to give underneath the pressure of her body.

The door gave way underneath Holly's insistent battering causing her body to fall through the doorway, her legs barely catching her as she stumbled in the darkness, her fingertips groping at the wall for the light switch. The sight that met her eyes when the light flickered on caused her heart to lurch in her chest and her stomach to sink to her knees.

Holly's intelligent brown eyes took in the sight of Gail's body splayed haphazardly on the bed, her phone blinking wearily on the floor – a small bottle of prescription drugs at its side. Holly swallowed hard, moving through the room, ignoring the pressure of Dov's eyes on her back as she rushed to the bed her hands gripping Gail's shoulders tightly, shaking the blonde haired woman hard in an attempt to force a reaction from her body.

"Gail!" Holly called out loudly, tapping her fingers repeatedly against the woman's cheek in a desperate attempt to prompt her to open her eyes or mumble words brokenly.

Gail remained stubbornly unresponsive.

Holly bit down hard on her bottom lip, eyes flickering between Gail's unresponsive face, the pill bottle on the floor on the mostly empty bottle of whiskey tipped over on the bed at Gail's side. "What did you do Gail?" She questioned softly, her heart shuddering as she pressed her fingers into the woman's throat, sighing in relief at the faint pulse beating weakly against her skin.

Holly glanced upwards at the man standing in Gail's doorway, watching as his eyes flickered between her fingers on Gail's throat and the pale form of his best friend. "Call an ambulance." She instructed her voice low and commanding as she pulled Gail's body into the recovery position, securing her hand underneath her chin.

"I'm on it." Dov answered rapidly tapping away at his phone, standing in the doorway as he watched Holly work on his best friend.

The Doctor ignored Dov's eyes, pushing the thought of his eagle-eyed gaze out of her mind as she curled her fingers underneath Gail's jaw, locking her fingertips in the curve of her mandible before tugging down sharply opening the woman's mouth. Holly smoothed her hands over Gail's hair soothingly before tucking her fingers into the woman's mouth reaching inwards to tickle the back of her throat.

Holly felt the initial waves of Gail's throat entering spasm underneath her fingertips but she did not pull her hand out of the woman's mouth until the first stream of vomit rose out of her throat. Holly massaged Gail's back, disregarding the fluid that splattered her jeans as she worked to keep Gail's airway open and her stomach purging. Holly counted the number of times a fresh wave of vomit erupted from Gail's mouth, her heart shuddering in her chest as she watched the muscles spasm throughout Gail's body after each initial contraction, forcing more fluid out of her throat and onto the floor.

"The ambulance is on the way." Dov said quietly from the doorway. "I'll… I'll wait for them outside."

The dark haired woman nodded her head, brushing her clean hand soothingly across Gail's forehead as the woman spluttered breathing unevenly.

"Come on Gail," Holly murmured softly bending her head to press her lips to the woman's head. "You don't get to leave me like this. I'm not letting you."

It took five minutes for the ambulance to arrive and a further five to get Gail loaded into the back of the vehicle with Holly at her side and Dov promising to drive behind. Holly held Gail's hand tightly as the paramedics rushed around the woman, checking her airway and monitoring the pulsating beat of her heart.

"Do you know what she took?" A man's kind voice asked prompting Holly to lift her eyes away from Gail's pale flushed cheeks to the meet the man's green-eyed gaze.

"Oxycodone probably and whiskey," Holly answered monotonously. "She had a prescription for the meds a couple of months ago – drain cleaner accident at work."

"Right," The man rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. "I saw at the scene that she vomited – did she do that herself or did you induce it?"

"I induced it." Holly answered, biting her lip hard enough to draw blood from the wound. "I couldn't let her go without a fight."

"Well," The paramedic sighed. "If it helps, I've found that those that don't want to live generally don't make it to the back of my ambulance. Not everyone that does this means to get to this point, sometimes it's a mistake, sometimes it was intentional but never intended to be suicidal."

"And sometimes it is and they go on to try again later." Holly continued with a frown marring her lips. "I know."

"Has this happened before?" The paramedic asked quietly, nodding his head at the prone form on the stretcher.

"No." Holly answered fiercely, her voice dripping with anger at the man's implication. "I'm a pathologist – I've seen the aftermath in other cases."

"I'm sorry." The man apologised quickly, lifting his hands in surrender.

Holly huffed out a long breath through her nose returning her gaze to Gail's face focusing on the way that her ruby red lips parted as she breathed in steadily, ignoring the painfully white pallor of her skin and the red splotches on her cheeks. The dark haired woman kept a countdown running in her head beginning when the phone call dropped, counting down the minutes between the ingestion of the pharmaceuticals, her hands tightening reflexively on Gail's hand.

Seven minutes since the pick up at the apartment the ambulance pulled into the hospital forecourt, the back doors burst open and the paramedics took off at a jog pulling Gail's stretched behind them. The emergency doors opened, Doctors assembled at the doors, Nurses yelled instructions and Holly stood on the sidelines biting her lip as she watched Gail rushed off into a cubicle.

Holly didn't remember the journey between those doors – standing uselessly in the emergency entrance her eyes trained on the closed doors of the trauma room – to the hard plastic seats in the waiting room.

She did remember the Doctor's calm expression as she crossed the hospital floor towards Holly, brown eyes calm and collected as she stood in front of Holly explaining Gail's situation slowly.

"We've pumped her stomach to wash out all remaining drugs and it seems as if we got to her in time to flush her system." The Doctor reported softly, prompting a tentative smile to cross Holly's lips. "You did the right thing purging her stomach, judging from the amount of alcohol in her blood she was severely intoxicated and combining that with the oxycodone, close to overdosing."

The words filtered through Holly's mind, sinking deep into her stomach, coiling it into knots that pulsed fire through her veins. "Is she all right now?"

"It's hard to tell at the moment," The Doctor answered honestly. "She's stable for the moment, and we believe that we've flushed her system of the drugs, but there's no way to tell how much got into her blood stream before we purged it. We've monitoring her toxicology right now and we're administered as many antagonistic drugs as possible in an attempt to mitigate the effect. The next twenty four hours are a waiting game to see whether we've managed to counteract the drugs."

Holly swallowed hard; pushing the image of Gail's weakened body out of her mind as she listened to the Doctor's words. "Can I see her?"

"Normally, I'd say not for a while, but given the circumstances I'll take you through to her." The Doctor answered smiling reassuringly as she waved her arm to the trauma ward. "We've got her in one of the private cubicles for now, but I expect that we'll be moving her onto a ward soon."

"Thank you." Holly whispered gratefully, pulling her body from the plastic chair, feeling her spine pop as it uncurled and straightened.

The Doctor's lips curled upwards into a small smile as she crossed the waiting room with Holly on her heels, stepping through the double doors into the trauma department before turning sharply into a corner with small cubicles lined up on the sides. "Room Four, Gail Peck." The Doctor remarked, pulling the plastic screen to the side to wave Holly into the small space. "The alert button is just on the side of the bed, call us if you suspect anything is wrong."

"I will." Holly murmured her tone projecting her thankfulness as her eyes remained fixated on Gail's small form tucked underneath the blankets.

Holly curled her fingers around Gail's wrist, smoothing her thumb across the woman's skin as she settled into the small chair at her bedside, her eyes focused on the woman's face. Holly watched her eyebrows furrow as she slept, her eyes darting underneath her eyelids and her lips parting as her mumbled words. Holly watched, memorising the details of Gail's body, the little ticks of her face storing the quirks in her heart desperate not to forget a second of the woman.

"You scared me." Holly confessed quietly, bending her head to press her forehead against Gail's fingers, breathing in deeply to take in the woman's scent. "You've always had the potential to scare me – I fell for you hard and faster than I knew what to do with, but I never thought that maybe you didn't know what to do with it either. You're not cold."

The dark haired woman pressed her lips to Gail's fingers, peppering kisses against the slumbering woman's skin to store the taste of her skin in the back of her mind. "I love you Gail Peck and I need you to come back to me so I can tell you that."

"I love you too." Gail murmured, her voice croaky and weak, her eyes struggling to open but she said the words regardless. "I love you too."


End file.
